Day 14: Chanting

So I was going to just write a filler post here (I even started writing one), because my brain wasn't cooperating and then it hit me like a broom to the face. Chanting. Chanting is a perfectly witchy thing to do. I could say my brain is allowed to be absent during it, but that is totally not true. Chanting is one of those things that raises power, but if you are anything like me, and there is a chance that you might be remotely like me, words don't come out right. Or they refuse to leave your mouth the way they are supposed to and you are left fumbling a word so bad the person you are talking to looks at you like you have fell off your rocker and started whacking yourself with it. Yes the hubs has given me that look. I like chanting as a way of raising power because it does not require me to dance, bang a drum, or something. I can't dance, and I don't have a drum. Chanting is also a step a way from singing (in my mind it is), which I do every day even when I sound awful. The hubs' bleeding ear drums are proof of that. Anyway, there it is. Chanting. Yep.

Off to ice my bruise from the broom... Laters. <3

Day 13: Charging Crystals

I love crystals. I really do. They are so pretty and they are like nature's batteries. Great for learning how to feel energy and stuff. Anyway, I was at this wonderful second hand store a few weeks ago and I found this beautiful little rose quartz. I had to get it. It screamed at me. I've been waiting for full moon to charge it, however there are many different ways to cleanse and charge crystals, so I might as well do it tonight!

Isn't it purty!? (It is rose quartz... terrible lighting.)

So I totally had to look up ways to cleanse a crystal that didn't involve the moonlight. I had to rule a few out, seeing as I don't have natural source of water handy. I don't really think the tap counts, and well I live in the desert. Oh look I can use a bell! I have 3 bells... I think I will use my triple goddess one and hope I don't wake the hubs. He might smother me in my sleep when I finally get to bed.

Love the triple goddess symbol.

Okay so the instructions say to ring the bell with the crystal as close to the origin of the sound until I feel the energy of the crystal become clear. Alrighty I am on it! (I do not suggest doing this late at night. It's like making popcorn in the middle of the night... Sounds super loud even though I am sure it isn't that loud.)

Crystal cleansed and charged. Time to go curl up under my warm blanket and cuddle a little with my human heater.

Peace, love, and apple sauce. <3

Not A How To

I just want to point out that when I am doing this 100 days thing, it's a personal challenge, not a how to. I am not doing this to show other beginners, or anyone else how to do this. I am doing this and blogging about my experience with it. This is like my online journal, and it is helping me with staying with something. Maybe when I feel like I have more experience with this religion, and forming my own rituals, spells, and whatever else, I could feel comfortable in teaching others. However, this is just a blog about me trying to keep up with my faith, and showing my take on things. I just wanted to clarify what it was about. I apologize if this post makes little to no sense because my brain is slightly fried, and I am still tired despite going to bed early last night.

Day 12: Dream Interpretation ::Updated again::

I am laying on the couch watching Survivorman on Netflix wondering what to write about today. I start to doze off and it hits me. Dream interpretation. I am going to go to bed and record my dream when I wake up. I'll come on here and tell you guys about it and try to interpret it and see if it makes any sense. So I am going to go put a journal and a pen next to my bed.

I do love me some divination. <3

Time for me to get on my assignment. Night night everyone.

::Update::

So I put my pad of paper and pen next to my bed and went to bed. I woke up. I could not remember if I had any dreams at all. I have vivid dreams every single night yet no dreams I could remember last night? I will do this again tonight, and update this post again.

::Update x2::

Okay so I managed to remember one dream that I had. I even wrote it down! I am sure it is incomplete because I had rolled over and went back to sleep after I woke up from it.

I dreamed I was trapped in a dark room, and there were 2 groups of people around me. They kept talking about getting out of that room and the two different groups took two separate ways of getting out. One took a hidden door and another took a hidden passageway. I refused to go with either of the groups and I didn't think they could get out so I don't think I wanted to try. I was looking out the slats over a window and I saw them outside and I screamed for them. One group came over and told me to go through the passageway they went through, and to just keep going through the different rooms until I got out. I get through the passageway into the next room and it had a dog in it. It was happy and wagging its tail. I gave it a pat and moved on through a door. The next room was like a childhood memory but it wasn't actually one of my memories. A child was sleeping on a dirty couch peacefully. I couldn't get out of the room and I found a compass that was like Jack Sparrow's. It showed you  the direction of whatever you wanted. I glanced back at the child and then went through the passage way and into the sunlight for the first time in what seemed like days to my dream self.

Symbols:

• Trapped - To dream that I am trapped means that I feel confined or restricted.
• Dark Room - This means that I feel trapped or repressed.
• Groups of people - The groups refere to the merging parts of myself.
• Locked Door - This signifies opportunies that have been denied to me, unavailable to me, or that I have missed out on.
• Passageway - A passageway is a symbol for a new opportunity, new relationship, or even a new attitude in life.
• Looking through the window - This signifies my outlook on life, consciousness, and point of view. I also may be reflecting on a decision.
• Happy Dog - This suggests that my strong values and good intentions will enable me to go forward with my life and bring me success.
• Door - Since I am entering into this door, it signifies new opportunites that are presented towards me. I am entering into a new stage of my life, and moving from one level of conciousness to another.
• Sleeping Child - I cannot find anything that ties to this direct symbol. I believe it means I am leaving a part of me behind. A child means innocence. Maybe I am leaving some innocence behind?
• Compass - A compass means my subconcious is showing me the way.
• Sunlight - This means peace of mind, enlightenment, tranquility, fortune, goodwill, and insight.

I guess this dream, in a very simplified way, means that I felt trapped, and I watched as different parts of me were escaping the darkness, while I refused to try. Then I found the way out, and pushed through to a new phase of my life.

Day 11: Using my Tarot

So I decided to do tarot today. I usually can't think of anything to ask while doing tarot but today I managed to think of three things. I usually do a 3 card spread to answer a yes or no question.

Anywho, here is a picture of my tarot deck.

Its the Tarot of the Cat People

Then my cat decided to help with my tarot reading.

Pet me. Now.

After I petted her and got her to move I started shuffling the deck with my mind on my first question. 

Should I go running tomorrow?

Aren't those little kitties cute?!

The first card (reversed King of Pentacles) means peril or danger, the second card (Page of Swords) means Vigilance, and the third card, (reversed Five of Swords) means a chance of loss or defeat and weakness. Well I took this as meaning, if I do decided to go running tomorrow (well later today) that I should be vigilant, or I may hurt myself or be too weak to actually get through it. Since it is an overwhelming amount of negativity for this one, I am going to go with an overall no for the answer to the question.

My next question was: Should I redo week 4 of the C25K?

All reversed... hmmmm..

The first card (reversed Fool) means faulty choice and bad decision, the second card (reversed Nine of Wands) means that there would be adversity and delays, and the third card (reversed Queen of Cups) means inconsistency of honor. So I interpret this to mean that if I go ahead and do the week over again, that I would just be adding more adversity and delay to my running, as well as it being a bad decision. I should just continue with the program as written. So the answer to this question is a no.

The third and final question I asked t his evening was: Should I do the 5k at the end of the month?

They are all right side up!

 Well this certainly looks like a very positive reading right off the bat. The first one (Six of Swords) means, success after anxiety, the second one (Eight of Swords) means turmoil and domination, and the last one (Six of Pentacles) means gratification. Well I always have anxiety about anything I do, and I feel like this is telling me that I will do it even though I have anxiety about it, and despite the turmoil, I will dominate myself, and be gratified with the outcome. So all in all this one was my first and only yes of the evening.

I love tarot because it is open to interpretation, and the cards are so beautiful. I started tarot in high school with a Rider-Waite deck and LOVED it, but I either gave my deck to someone or lost it after I bought this one. I am a huge cat person, so this deck is great, however I don't have the same connection to this deck that I had with the Rider-Waite deck. I think I just need to spend more time with the cards. Anyway, you can find this deck here.

Anyway, off to bed with me. I need to take the oldest wee one to school in the morning! <3

Day 8, 9, and 10: Spirituality

First off I would like to apologize for being absent for the last 2 days. I did a 5k... even though I walked most of it, it was still hard on me since I walked faster than I have ever actually walked before. It completely wiped me out. So without further ado I would like to present my take on spirituality.

Spirituality to me is supposed to be easy. Anything that doesn't feel natural to me just doesn't happen. My body and brain blocks it. My brain flat out refuses, and I just don't feel it. I can't force myself into believing in spirit or in any kind of divinity if I just don't believe. Spirituality flows like water through me. I was in the shower a week or so ago, and I was thinking about the deities I believe in and what deity that I wanted to desperately believe in but I couldn't. As soon as I accepted that I couldn't force myself into believing or following this deity, I felt relief. I felt a wash of relief all over my body that made me feel great for acknowledging what was hindering my spiritual growth as an individual. I was forcing myself to include and pray to a deity that I just could not feel or follow. That deity was not my life, or in my life. I stopped my spiritual growth by trying to include a deity I was told to worship. Well that just didn't work.

I just let go. As soon as I stopped forcing my brain and my body to try to feel something and see something that wasn't there, my heart opened up to the deity I felt and saw and embraced in my every day life. I see my  deity every single day in every single thing I do, and see, and be a part of. Even playing video games, or scrap kit making, or anything I do as a hobby. My deity is the Goddess. I know her by no other name other than Goddess. She is my light and dark, and even though I have problems embracing the darkness again, it is still a part of her, and me.

When I talk to my hubs about things that go on in my head, I don't quite know how to tell him about them, and he doesn't quite know what it's like to feel these things either. I never felt these things when I embraced the darkness in my head, instead of shying away like a little rabbit to scared to realize the darkness isn't infinite. There was a time when I was consumed by that darkness and it took me a long time to reach the light, and when I did, I really didn't want to give it up. I am still trying to find a balance. The Goddess has been helping me find this balance between the two. My self destructive behaviors have dropped dramatically. I am not going to elaborate on the self destructive behaviors and just leave those sleeping dogs lie.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to get at, is don't force belief, and don't force faith. When it's time to believe, to feel, or to have faith, the divine will be waiting to embrace you. And if it's not a divine being, then it's whatever you find to be a source of divinity. Be it plant, machine, or even a person.

<3

Day 7: About my "practice"

I've been thinking for a little bit about my general practice and what I associate with and so on and so forth. I  did post an introduction, which is here if you haven't read it, and I never really got into the nitty gritty shit that some people get into about their religion. I am not a super serious kind of person, and I originally started this blog to be funny, and well whenever I start something with the intent for one thing, it usually fizzles out pretty damn fast. It does that because I limited myself to one topic and I quickly ran out of ideas because I blocked myself off from my creative area. If I try to force something, my brain shuts it off and starves it until I just let it go. I've been writing these witchy posts for the past week and my anxiety peeks every time I hit publish. It peeks because I am afraid that someone will come screaming at me that I am not doing something right, or that I am not a real witch or pagan or whatever. Not that anyone has done that yet, but I am still afraid that it will happen.

I still consider myself a novice and I am not a expert on any part of the craft or paganism or Wicca. I know that Paganism is an umbrella term that incorporates a lot of different ideals, traditions, and even religions. I know what Wicca is as I have researched the shit out of it. I took up this challenge of 100 days to push myself into being a better pagan and to be more active in my spiritual growth and religion. Just like I am doing the couch to 5k to make me better. I have started this transformation physically, mentally, and spiritually and I really want to see it through to the end. I have come to the point in my short life that I am tired of letting shit pass me by because I am too lazy to get up and go for it. I feel so dumb for wasting part of my life wallowing in the self pity "woe is me" party that I created and am dragging myself out of.

Anyway, what I believe in is that everyone has faith in something. Science, god, the president, the pope, whatever. Everyone has faith and I feel that everyone should respect that faith that people have. I love religious freedom and I used to love debating religion with people. I used to love it because it was food for the mind and soul and people need to be passionate about what they believe in. I stopped loving it because of how people would put me down for playing the other side of the field to keep it interesting. Why debate when people are so quick to jump on the name calling wagon and act like toddlers.

The deity I follow is the Goddess. Just her so far because I have felt no other god like presence. I feel her there when I reach out for her and she answers my prayers. Even in ways I don't really want. I barely do rituals. I don't enjoy them at all because of my anxiety about it not being perfect. I rarely do spells for the same reason. I love divination and my tarot deck. I really love my crystals and I am amassing a large candle collection because I keep saying I need candles even though I hardly use them. I like Silver Ravenwolf despite the hatred spewed about her and I know that her history is inaccurate. (Funny thing about history though, it's written by the winner and it always has something made up in it.) Anyway I love Scott Cunningham and his writing style. I'm passionate about animals. Especially cats. I want to be that crazy old cat lady when I grow up. I read somewhere that cats were conduits to the gods. Not sure how true that is but they seem to think they are. I believe in the power of thought and that positive thinking will get me through most situations. Sometimes even I forget this and the hubs has to remind me not to be so serious or to take things to heart so much.

Anyway I have a 5k to do tomorrow so it's an early bedtime for me. Good night or morning and hope your days and nights are blessed.

Day 6: Calling the corners/quarters

Calling the corners/quarters. Which one do I call it? I've seen it called both. I have it written down as quarters in my Book, but I didn't know if people would understand it that way, and I have issues with anxiety about that kind of dumb stuff. I get anxiety about the weirdest things. Anyway, I have written my own corner callings because I like writing stuff and it seemed pretty basic and easy to do. Remembering it is a whole other story.

I know which way is North, and you can expect the dominoes fall into place from there. Anyway, every time I have gone to call the quarters I always forget what I am supposed to say. I resist the urge to say "Hey you, yeah the one who represents this side, get over here, and play with me." I say shit backwards and in the wrong order. Half the time I think the guardians of the quarters are laughing at me every time I bumble a word.... which is just about every single time. So I am sure you all see why I really need practice with this. I don't want to drag my book around with me every damn time I walk around the circle calling the quarters because my brain refuses to remember a few short sentences. My corner casting is basic. Nothing fancy at all. I just need to devote time to sitting down and memorizing the lines as if I was in a play.

Anyway, I might as well share my easy simple (yet totally beyond me) corner castings. (Also which way do you really start from? North or East? I have seen it both ways!)

East:

Hail to the guardians of the watchtowers of the east, powers of air and intellect, bless this rite with your presence tonight.

South:

Hail to the guardians of the watchtowers of the south, powers of fire and passion, bless this rite with your presence tonight.

West:
Hail to the guardians of the watchtowers of the west, powers of water and emotion, bless this rite with your presence tonight.

North:
Hail to the guardians of the watchtowers of the north, powers of earth and balance, bless this rite with your presence tonight.

Here is my "dismissing" the quarters thing. (I don't like saying dismissing. I don't own them, or command them to do my bidding. They are just there to play with me, and then they go to wherever they go to.)

North:

Guardians of the North, powers of Earth and balance, thank you for your presence tonight. Stay if you will, go if you must, farewell and blessed be.

West:
Guardians of the West, powers of Water and emotion, thank you for your presence tonight. Stay if you will, go if you must, farewell and blessed be.

South:
Guardians of the South, powers of Fire and passion, thank you for your presence tonight. Stay if you will, go if you must, farewell and blessed be.

East:
Guardians of the East, powers of Air and intellect, thank you for your presence tonight. Stay if you will, go if you must, farewell and blessed be.

P.S. I can keep saying I am sorry for posting so late, however I am a night owl so I suspect this will be the norm for my witchy posts.

Blog Clothes

I have finally finished tinkering with my blog cloths. There are still things I want to fix and tinker with here and there but now there isn't construction dust and weird colors everywhere. Yay me for coding a blog for the first time and not using a program! Wooooo! I thought for a second there I was going to toss my computer out the window... That would have been bad....

Now to figure out what I am going to do as my witchy thing today.

Day 5: Prayer

So I have been doing this Couch to 5k thing and I have an app on my phone that is designed specifically for this. In case you don't know what the Couch to 5k thing is, click here for more info. So the reason I have been doing this program because I want to change my life for the better. I am a fat girl, and I am not in any kind of shape at all. Anyway, I did Week 4 Day 3 today, and I was having a really hard time getting through the second 5 minute strait run. My mind flirted with stopping mid run and going strait to the walking section and I was even about to press the button to lower the speed until I caught sight of my faith symbol bouncing against my bosom (yes fancy way of saying boobs). Instead of focusing on how tired my legs were or on the cramp creeping it's crampy way into my right calf, I just thought instead. "Thank you Goddess for the strength you have shown me to get through this." I repeated this in my head over and over until I got through the last 2 and a half minutes of the run section.

There is a reason why I didn't ask for strength to get through it, and a reason why I thanked for the strength that I already had seen inside of me. I didn't ask for strength because I knew I already possessed it. Asking for more strength is asking for more weight to help build it. I knew I could do it, and I just had to get through it. People use prayer for many different things, and I mostly use prayer to express how thankful I am that She is in my life, and how I feel Her helping me. The Goddess is with me, as well as within me.

(Pardon my disjointed thoughts, they are still on designing not on writing.)