Day 8, 9, and 10: Spirituality

First off I would like to apologize for being absent for the last 2 days. I did a 5k... even though I walked most of it, it was still hard on me since I walked faster than I have ever actually walked before. It completely wiped me out. So without further ado I would like to present my take on spirituality.

Spirituality to me is supposed to be easy. Anything that doesn't feel natural to me just doesn't happen. My body and brain blocks it. My brain flat out refuses, and I just don't feel it. I can't force myself into believing in spirit or in any kind of divinity if I just don't believe. Spirituality flows like water through me. I was in the shower a week or so ago, and I was thinking about the deities I believe in and what deity that I wanted to desperately believe in but I couldn't. As soon as I accepted that I couldn't force myself into believing or following this deity, I felt relief. I felt a wash of relief all over my body that made me feel great for acknowledging what was hindering my spiritual growth as an individual. I was forcing myself to include and pray to a deity that I just could not feel or follow. That deity was not my life, or in my life. I stopped my spiritual growth by trying to include a deity I was told to worship. Well that just didn't work.

I just let go. As soon as I stopped forcing my brain and my body to try to feel something and see something that wasn't there, my heart opened up to the deity I felt and saw and embraced in my every day life. I see my  deity every single day in every single thing I do, and see, and be a part of. Even playing video games, or scrap kit making, or anything I do as a hobby. My deity is the Goddess. I know her by no other name other than Goddess. She is my light and dark, and even though I have problems embracing the darkness again, it is still a part of her, and me.

When I talk to my hubs about things that go on in my head, I don't quite know how to tell him about them, and he doesn't quite know what it's like to feel these things either. I never felt these things when I embraced the darkness in my head, instead of shying away like a little rabbit to scared to realize the darkness isn't infinite. There was a time when I was consumed by that darkness and it took me a long time to reach the light, and when I did, I really didn't want to give it up. I am still trying to find a balance. The Goddess has been helping me find this balance between the two. My self destructive behaviors have dropped dramatically. I am not going to elaborate on the self destructive behaviors and just leave those sleeping dogs lie.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to get at, is don't force belief, and don't force faith. When it's time to believe, to feel, or to have faith, the divine will be waiting to embrace you. And if it's not a divine being, then it's whatever you find to be a source of divinity. Be it plant, machine, or even a person.

<3

Day 7: About my "practice"

I've been thinking for a little bit about my general practice and what I associate with and so on and so forth. I  did post an introduction, which is here if you haven't read it, and I never really got into the nitty gritty shit that some people get into about their religion. I am not a super serious kind of person, and I originally started this blog to be funny, and well whenever I start something with the intent for one thing, it usually fizzles out pretty damn fast. It does that because I limited myself to one topic and I quickly ran out of ideas because I blocked myself off from my creative area. If I try to force something, my brain shuts it off and starves it until I just let it go. I've been writing these witchy posts for the past week and my anxiety peeks every time I hit publish. It peeks because I am afraid that someone will come screaming at me that I am not doing something right, or that I am not a real witch or pagan or whatever. Not that anyone has done that yet, but I am still afraid that it will happen.

I still consider myself a novice and I am not a expert on any part of the craft or paganism or Wicca. I know that Paganism is an umbrella term that incorporates a lot of different ideals, traditions, and even religions. I know what Wicca is as I have researched the shit out of it. I took up this challenge of 100 days to push myself into being a better pagan and to be more active in my spiritual growth and religion. Just like I am doing the couch to 5k to make me better. I have started this transformation physically, mentally, and spiritually and I really want to see it through to the end. I have come to the point in my short life that I am tired of letting shit pass me by because I am too lazy to get up and go for it. I feel so dumb for wasting part of my life wallowing in the self pity "woe is me" party that I created and am dragging myself out of.

Anyway, what I believe in is that everyone has faith in something. Science, god, the president, the pope, whatever. Everyone has faith and I feel that everyone should respect that faith that people have. I love religious freedom and I used to love debating religion with people. I used to love it because it was food for the mind and soul and people need to be passionate about what they believe in. I stopped loving it because of how people would put me down for playing the other side of the field to keep it interesting. Why debate when people are so quick to jump on the name calling wagon and act like toddlers.

The deity I follow is the Goddess. Just her so far because I have felt no other god like presence. I feel her there when I reach out for her and she answers my prayers. Even in ways I don't really want. I barely do rituals. I don't enjoy them at all because of my anxiety about it not being perfect. I rarely do spells for the same reason. I love divination and my tarot deck. I really love my crystals and I am amassing a large candle collection because I keep saying I need candles even though I hardly use them. I like Silver Ravenwolf despite the hatred spewed about her and I know that her history is inaccurate. (Funny thing about history though, it's written by the winner and it always has something made up in it.) Anyway I love Scott Cunningham and his writing style. I'm passionate about animals. Especially cats. I want to be that crazy old cat lady when I grow up. I read somewhere that cats were conduits to the gods. Not sure how true that is but they seem to think they are. I believe in the power of thought and that positive thinking will get me through most situations. Sometimes even I forget this and the hubs has to remind me not to be so serious or to take things to heart so much.

Anyway I have a 5k to do tomorrow so it's an early bedtime for me. Good night or morning and hope your days and nights are blessed.

Day 5: Prayer

So I have been doing this Couch to 5k thing and I have an app on my phone that is designed specifically for this. In case you don't know what the Couch to 5k thing is, click here for more info. So the reason I have been doing this program because I want to change my life for the better. I am a fat girl, and I am not in any kind of shape at all. Anyway, I did Week 4 Day 3 today, and I was having a really hard time getting through the second 5 minute strait run. My mind flirted with stopping mid run and going strait to the walking section and I was even about to press the button to lower the speed until I caught sight of my faith symbol bouncing against my bosom (yes fancy way of saying boobs). Instead of focusing on how tired my legs were or on the cramp creeping it's crampy way into my right calf, I just thought instead. "Thank you Goddess for the strength you have shown me to get through this." I repeated this in my head over and over until I got through the last 2 and a half minutes of the run section.

There is a reason why I didn't ask for strength to get through it, and a reason why I thanked for the strength that I already had seen inside of me. I didn't ask for strength because I knew I already possessed it. Asking for more strength is asking for more weight to help build it. I knew I could do it, and I just had to get through it. People use prayer for many different things, and I mostly use prayer to express how thankful I am that She is in my life, and how I feel Her helping me. The Goddess is with me, as well as within me.

(Pardon my disjointed thoughts, they are still on designing not on writing.)